Divorce is a life-changing decision that can be overwhelming and emotional. Understanding what you want out of your divorce can help you get into the right mindset. It’s essential to have a skilled attorney advocating for you. David Crum and Ashley Whitham, managing attorneys at Colorado Legal Group, offer insights on the mindset shifts that can help you navigate this challenging time.
1. Have Reasonable Expectations
After you understand what you want out of a divorce it’s normal to begin setting expectations. Make sure your expectations are realistic. “Setting realistic expectations is crucial,” says David Crum. “It’s okay to know what you want and fight for it, but also be prepared to compromise.” More often than not, you don’t get every single thing you want, but hiring a highly skilled attorney can help you get more of what you want out of your divorce. Try not to go into the mindset that you will “win” or “beat” your spouse in the divorce process. Understand that divorce rarely results in a clear “winner.” The goal is to reach a fair settlement that both parties can accept.
2. It’s Okay to Grieve, But Don’t Hold Onto the Past
Grieving is a completely normal part of the divorce process. Ashley Whitham advises, “Allow yourself to feel sad, angry and every in between about the end of your marriage, but try not to dwell on the past. Focus on the present and future opportunities.” Talking to friends and family can be helpful, but try your best not to reminisce about the good times or obsess over the bad ones. It won’t get you anywhere. Divorce support groups can also be a great resource and outlet for many people going through a divorce. Try to think about what is best for you in this moment and what is best for you in the future. This is the perfect time to embrace new opportunities and look forward to all the new experiences that await you.
3. Know Your Divorce Options
In Colorado you have several different types of divorce options to choose from. You can also decide to be legally separated if you are not ready for a divorce yet. Understanding what your options are will help you determine which type of divorce is best for you based on the situation you are in. Here are the different divorce options you can choose from:
- Uncontested Divorce: Ideal for couples who agree on asset division and custody arrangements.
- Contested/Litigated Divorce: Suitable for high-conflict situations where mediation fails.
- Mediated Divorce: A neutral attorney helps both parties reach a resolution.
- Collaborative Divorce: Both parties and their attorneys work together to avoid litigation.
- Legal Separation: Provides similar outcomes to divorce without legally ending the marriage.
4. If You Have Children, Remember Your Ex-Partner Will Still Be Part of Your Life
Having children makes any divorce more complicated, and it is likely you will still be dealing with your ex even after your divorce has been finalized. Although there may be tension between you and your ex, avoid expressing those feelings around your children. Don’t feel like you need to keep your feelings to yourself, there are always friends and family, counselors, and a variety of different support groups for you to choose from. “Your children will experience the divorce, but they are not divorcing you or your spouse,” says Crum. Keeping feelings of animosity away from your children and maintaining open communication with your ex is vital for their well-being. Meeting in the middle when it comes to your kids will benefit all of you in the long term.
5. Keep Open Lines of Communication
“Regardless of you having children or not, keeping an open line of communication with your ex can help streamline the divorce process and take some stress off,” Whitham notes. Being aligned with your spouse on what you want out the divorce can be very beneficial to both of you and prevent any surprises. Being open in your communications can also help keep you out of court, help speed up the divorce process, and reduce cost.
6. Feel the Freedom of Letting Go
When it feels like you have nothing left to lose, it’s time to let go of the pain and hurt. Release the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” thoughts that weigh you down. Letting go of pain and hurt can be liberating. “Negative emotions are like an anchor,” Crum explains. “The sooner you let go, the sooner you’ll stop drowning in the overhwelm.”
Shift your mindset to embrace openness. As you practice opening yourself to healing, your mind will begin to let go of any lingering resentment from your past relationship. Letting go of these unhealthy emotions will help you breathe easier and move forward with a lighter heart.
7. Realize that You Can Only Control Your Reactions
During a divorce, there are very few things within your control. It often feels like everything you hold dear has been tossed into the air, and you’re scrambling to catch it all before it shatters. This can be incredibly painful. “In a divorce, you can control only your reactions,” Whitham emphasizes. By shifting your mindset to embrace this reality, you will begin to feel more empowered and in control, even amidst the chaos.
8. Practice Mental “Gardening”
“Think of your mind as a garden. You can choose to cultivate beautiful flowers or let invasive weeds take over,” Crum says. ” During a divorce, practicing mental gardening allows you to remove negative beliefs and foster positive ones.” It takes time to retrain your thoughts, but as you tend to your mental garden, you’ll find it easier to choose which thoughts to nurture and which to discard.
9. Remember that Exes Are Exes for a Reason
“Your ex is like a chapter in a book that you’ve finished reading,” Whitham reminds. “While it’s tempting to reread and analyze every detail, remember that the story ended for a reason.” Practice self-compassion as you close that chapter and move forward. Being kind to yourself is crucial to avoid falling into a cycle of self-blame and regret
10. Ask for Help
“Don’t hesitate to seek help,” Crum advises. “Friends, family, and professional resources can provide the support you need during this tumultuous time.” David Crum and Ashley Whitham have guided many clients through their divorces with empathy and expertise. They believe that you can emerge from your divorce stronger and ready for a fulfilling future with the right mindset shifts.
If you’re considering a divorce and don’t know where to start, schedule a consultation with a Colorado Legal Group attorney by calling (720) 594-7360 or submit a free case evaluation on this page.