There are some divorce lawyers who will tell you that you shouldn’t talk to your spouse about divorce. You should simply file first and this will give you an advantage. Unless you are dealing with a situation involving physical or emotional abuse, not discussing your divorce prior to filing creates significant hurdles to effecting an efficient and fair resolution of your divorce case.
Discussing Divorce with Your Spouse at a Glance
How Do I Tell My Spouse I Want a Divorce Without Hurting Them?
Unfortunately, if your spouse isn’t anticipating the divorce, the news will likely hurt. However, being clear and upfront can reduce pain in the long run. Preparing the ground beforehand can help them adjust to the idea and soften the blow.
How Do I Tell My Spouse I Want a Divorce When They Don’t?
This can make the conversation particularly challenging. Plan how to approach the topic, considering how they might react. If necessary, choose a public place and have someone you trust present. Remember, under current no-fault divorce laws, your spouse cannot prevent the divorce.
What Do I Do After Telling My Spouse I Want a Divorce?
You’ll need to start the legal process. Consider speaking to a divorce lawyer before having the conversation, allowing you to begin promptly and understand the implications. You’ll need to complete a divorce application and decide on financial arrangements and child custody. A family law expert can guide you through these decisions, ensuring the best outcome for your future.
What Happens if We’ve Been Married for More than 20 or 30 Years?
For couples going through a Gray Divorce, there are a number of complications involved. When people have spent a greater portion of their lives together, alimony (aka spousal support) plays a huge factor in why these divorces often become contested.
The term “gray divorce,” coined by Brown and Lin (2012), refers to divorces among adults aged 50 and older. In 1990, fewer than 1 in 10 (8%) divorces involved individuals aged 50 or older. By 2010, more than 1 in 4 (27%) divorces were among this age group. As difficult as this time is, just know you’re not alone if you’re considering divorce over 50.
Why It’s Important to Talk First
While many couples may sense that a divorce is imminent, no one likes to be surprised by a divorce filing. Yes, discussing divorce can be uncomfortable, but with these discussions comes the ability to determine what type of divorce you want. Here’s why initiating a conversation before filing is crucial:
1. Avoiding Unpleasant Surprises
Many couples might feel that a divorce is imminent, but no one wants to be blindsided by a legal notice. Talking first allows both partners to be on the same page, reducing tension and potential conflict.
2. Choosing the Right Type of Divorce:
By discussing the separation beforehand, couples gain the freedom to explore different divorce options:
- Uncontested Divorce: Suitable for amicable separations where both parties agree on key issues.
- Mediation: A neutral mediator helps couples resolve disputes amicably, avoiding court battles.
- Collaborative Divorce: Each party retains their lawyer, but everyone commits to resolving the divorce through negotiation rather than litigation.
- Litigation: For contentious divorces where parties can’t reach an agreement, and legal intervention is necessary.
- Hybrid Approach: Combines elements of mediation, collaboration, and litigation, depending on the couple’s needs.
3. Control Over the Process:
Filing for divorce without prior discussion can lead to an adversarial process, stripping both parties of their say in how things proceed. By talking first, couples can:
- Reduce Legal Fees: Out-of-court settlements or mediations can be significantly cheaper than litigation.
- Save Time: Collaborative approaches can expedite the process compared to protracted legal battles.
- Minimize Stress: A mutually agreed-upon divorce plan can ease emotional strain, particularly if children are involved.
When you file for divorce without discussing it with your spouse, you immediately lose your ability to choose how your divorce will proceed.
How to Prepare to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce
If you’re considering divorce and need to break the news to your spouse, here are some suggestions designed to minimize distress for both parties and foster a civil relationship throughout the process.
1. Starting the Divorce Conversation
Pick Your Words Carefully: Divorces often create a clear divide between “the leaver” and “the left.” The leaver has likely had time to come to terms with the decision, while the left may feel shocked and wounded. The harshness of the initial conversation can exacerbate these feelings.
Think carefully about how, when, and where you tell your partner that the relationship is over to avoid triggering sensitive reactions.
Use “I” Messages: Frame your statements from your perspective to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I feel that this marriage isn’t working for me,” rather than, “You didn’t do your share.” This can make the conversation feel less confrontational.
2. Preparing for Emotional Responses
Handling Guilt and Anger: Expect to face emotional responses, including accusations such as being a bad spouse or parent. Be ready to respond calmly, avoiding escalation. If you anticipate potential violence, choose a safe place for the conversation and consider having someone else close by.
Keep Calm: Take deep breaths to relax. If the conversation turns hostile, suggest taking a break and resuming later.
3. Considering the Children
Reassure Your Partner: Remind your spouse that they will remain a parent and their relationship with the children doesn’t have to change. Plan together how you’ll inform the children, aiming to do so calmly and jointly to minimize distress.
4. Preparing the Ground
Ease into the Conversation: Prepare your spouse gradually by discussing the possibility of divorce over time. Consider breaking the news in a public yet private setting, like a coffee shop, to encourage a more restrained response.
5. Immediate Steps After the Divorce Conversation
Physical Separation: Prepare for immediate separation after the conversation. Have a place ready to go, even if you hope to remain in the home.
Starting the Legal Process: Speak to a divorce lawyer to get the process started promptly. A legal expert can also guide you on the full implications of divorce, including finances and child custody, to ensure you know what to expect.
What You Shouldn’t Talk About When Discussing Divorce
Initiating a conversation with your spouse about divorce is challenging but necessary. Here’s how you can approach this sensitive topic effectively:
1. Focus on How to Proceed
Keep the discussion pragmatic, emphasizing how the divorce will be managed rather than delving into past issues. Points to consider include:
- Preserving Relationships: Emphasize the importance of maintaining positive ties with extended family and friends.
- Empowering Your Children: Highlight the need to shield them from divorce-related conflict, ensuring their emotional well-being.
2. Avoiding Sensitive Topics:
When talking to your spouse, steer clear of:
- Blame or Accusations: This can escalate tensions and derail constructive dialogue.
- Financial Disputes: While money is a critical aspect, bringing up specific figures or contentious financial issues early on can hinder amicable resolutions.
- Detailed Parenting Arrangements: Leave these discussions for a mediator or counselor to ensure a balanced, child-focused approach.
3. Minimizing Animosity for Children’s Well-being:
Divorce can be tough on children, and parents can minimize the impact by:
- Showing Unity: Present a united front, emphasizing that both parents still care deeply for them.
- Avoiding Hostility: Shield children from arguments or negative comments about the other parent.
- Seeking Counseling: Consider family counseling to help everyone cope with the transition and to develop a co-parenting strategy.
An amicable approach reduces legal fees, minimizes emotional strain, and helps families transition smoothly into new dynamics.
Why Counseling Can Help Even When Divorce Is Inevitable
It’s a common misconception that couples counseling is only for those trying to save their marriage. However, therapy can also be incredibly beneficial for couples who recognize that their relationship is heading towards divorce. Here’s how counseling can support couples through this challenging transition:
1. Navigating Divorce Dynamics
Counseling provides a neutral space for both partners to discuss how they want their divorce to unfold. This includes:
- Divorce Strategies: Couples can explore various divorce methods, such as mediation, collaborative divorce, or litigation, with the guidance of a therapist, who can facilitate constructive discussions.
- Financial Implications: Therapy can help address financial concerns, enabling couples to create a fair and amicable settlement plan.
- Parenting Plans: Counselors can guide discussions on co-parenting arrangements, including custody schedules, visitation, and how to communicate effectively for the benefit of the children.
2. Managing Emotional Responses:
Divorce is an emotional process, and counseling can help manage these emotions:
- Coping Mechanisms: Therapists can provide tools to deal with grief, anger, and loss, helping both partners move forward in a healthy way.
- Communication Skills: Counseling can improve communication, reducing hostility and fostering a more amicable separation.
- Conflict Resolution: Therapists can help couples navigate conflicts constructively, preventing prolonged legal battles.
3. Preparing for Life After Divorce:
Couples counseling can also assist with transitioning to post-divorce life:
- Identity Shift: Therapy helps individuals redefine themselves outside of marriage, focusing on personal growth and self-care.
- Building Support Networks: Counselors can advise on rebuilding support networks, emphasizing the importance of friendships, family ties, and community involvement.
- Future Planning: Counseling can assist with planning for the future, including career goals, financial stability, and new relationships.
Considering a Divorce in Colorado?
If you’re considering a divorce in Colorado, it’s essential to understand your rights and options. At Colorado Legal Group, our team of dedicated family law attorneys is here to provide you with the guidance and support you need during this challenging time. We offer personalized, compassionate service to help you navigate the complexities of divorce law in Colorado. Don’t face this process alone. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and start your journey toward a new beginning.
We’re here to help. Submit a request for a free case evaluation or call us at 720.594.7360.